by Team TCP

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What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person tries to make another doubt their perception, memory, or reality. The goal of gaslighting is often to gain power and control over the other person, making them feel confused, insecure, or even questioning their sanity. It can happen in various types of relationships, including personal, professional, or familial.

 

Why Would A Person Gaslight?

Since gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often used to control, dominate, or gain power over someone, the reasons behind it can vary depending on the individual and the situation - but here are some common motivations for the negative statements:

 

To Maintain Control or Power

Gaslighters often use this tactic to maintain dominance. By distorting reality and undermining the person's confidence in their own perceptions, the gaslighter keeps the other person off-balance and more easily manipulated.

 

To Avoid Accountability

Gaslighting allows a person to deflect blame and responsibility for their actions. By making the person doubt themselves or their perception of events, the gaslighter can avoid taking responsibility for their harmful behavior.

 

To Gain Emotional or Psychological Advantage

By undermining the person's self-esteem and self-worth, the gaslighter might feel more secure in their superiority. This can lead to an unhealthy emotional power dynamic, where the gaslighter feels validated or "in control" by causing emotional distress in the other person.

 

To Maintain an Image or Reputation

In some cases, the gaslighter may want to protect their public image or the way they are perceived by others. If their actions or behavior are called into question, they may gaslight the person to discredit them and avoid scrutiny, often to protect their status, social standing, or relationships with others.

 

To Erode the Person's Sense of Reality

Some people use gaslighting to confuse or destabilize their person’s sense of reality, making it easier for the gaslighter to manipulate them. If the person becomes unsure of their own thoughts, feelings, or memories, the gaslighter can further shape their behavior or decisions without resistance. (see Mandella Effect details below)

 

Insecure or Narcissistic Behavior

Many gaslighters have deep-seated insecurities or narcissistic tendencies. Insecure people may gaslight others as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or exposed. Narcissists, on the other hand, gaslight to feed their need for admiration and control over others, often using manipulation to keep the focus on their own needs and desires.

 

To Avoid Conflict or Responsibility

Some people gaslight because they don’t want to face the consequences of their actions or directly address a conflict. Instead of owning up to their mistakes, they shift the focus onto the person's behavior, making that person feel at fault for the issue.

 

To Create Dependence

A gaslighter might try to make a person more dependent on them. By causing confusion and self-doubt, the person may begin to rely on the gaslighter to "validate" their reality. This psychological manipulation can lead to a dynamic where the person feels they need the gaslighter's approval to feel confident or grounded.

 

To Control the Narrative

In some cases, the gaslighter may seek to control the narrative around a situation or event. By distorting facts or denying things that have happened.  The gaslighter can create their version of events and ensure the person and others believe that version.

 

To Test Boundaries or Manipulate

Some gaslighters test the limits of their power by seeing how far they can manipulate or distort the truth before the person starts questioning them. This can be part of a larger strategy of control or to see how much they can influence the person without facing backlash.

 

In a Dysfunctional or Toxic Environment

Sometimes gaslighting is learned behavior. If someone grew up in an environment where manipulation and psychological control were the norm, they may repeat these behaviors in their adult relationships. It could be a reflection of unhealthy communication patterns they learned early in life.

 

To Exploit the Person's Empathy

Gaslighters may take advantage of the person’s empathy, kindness, or desire to "make things right." By making the person question themselves, they can elicit feelings of guilt or responsibility from the person, even when the gaslighter is in the wrong.

 

Subtle Gaslighting Phrases Attempting To Belittle You

Gaslighting often involves using phrases that make you question your emotions, memory, or sanity. Remember, responding to gaslighting is about asserting your reality without getting sucked into a cycle of manipulation. Stay true to your feelings, and don’t let the gaslighter undermine your confidence or self-worth.  Here are just a few subtle gaslighting phrases attempting to belittle your feelings.

 

"You're too sensitive."

This suggests your emotions are invalid or exaggerated, pushing you to second-guess your feelings.

Option: "I’m not being too sensitive. This is how I feel, and my feelings are valid."

Purpose: Assert that your feelings are legitimate and deserve recognition without being invalidated.

 

"You're overreacting."

It minimizes your emotional response, making you feel like you're blowing things out of proportion.

Option: "I don’t believe I’m overreacting. This is important to me and I need us to address it."

Purpose: Reaffirm your response is appropriate for the situation and assert your need to be heard.

 

"Everyone else thinks you're overreacting too."

Attempts to isolate the person by implying others share the same judgment, making them question their own perspective.

Option: "I can’t control what others think, but my feelings are still valid. We’re focusing on how this is affecting me."

Purpose: Acknowledge the external pressure but refocus on your own emotional experience, making it clear your feelings matter.

 

"That never happened."

Denying events that you clearly remember, making you doubt your own memory.

Option: "I remember it clearly, and my memory is valid. In fact, we’ll talk about the details."

Purpose: Stand firm in your recollection without getting defensive. Encourage a calm discussion of facts.

 

"You're imagining things."

This phrase tries to convince you your perceptions or thoughts are incorrect or irrational.

Option: "I’m not imagining things; this is how I see it.  In fact, we’ll talk about what’s going on."

Purpose: Assert your perception of reality while trying to engage in an open conversation.

 

"It’s all in your head."

A way to invalidate your feelings suggesting you're making up your emotional experiences.

Option: "My thoughts and feelings are real to me and I’m not going to dismiss them."

Purpose: Refuse to let someone invalidate your experience and reinforce your right to feel and think what you do.

 

"I never said that."

This implies you’re misremembering a conversation eroding your confidence in your own recollection.

Option: "Let’s talk about it calmly and clarify things."

Purpose: Stand firm in your understanding without getting defensive offering to discuss things further if needed.

 

"You're just being dramatic."

This dismisses your emotions as unnecessary and exaggerates them in a way to attempt to make you feel foolish.

Option: "I’m not being dramatic.  I’m simply expressing how I feel. I need us to have a serious conversation or not one at all."

Purpose: Refuse to accept the label of "dramatic" and reframe the conversation as one about your feelings and needs.

 

"I was just joking; can't you take a joke?"

If you've been hurt by a comment, this phrase shifts the blame onto you, making you feel like the problem is that you're overly sensitive, not that the comment was hurtful.

Option: "Even if it was a joke, it still hurt my feelings. We need to talk about how that made me feel."

Purpose: Address the impact of words or actions, not just their intent, and express it’s okay to feel hurt.

 

"It’s not a big deal, why are you making it one?"

Undermines the significance of an issue, encouraging the person to question if their concerns are exaggerated.

Option: "It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to me. I need us to address it."

Purpose: Reinforce that your perception is valid regardless of whether others understand or agree.

 

"I don’t know what you're talking about."

Shifts the blame onto the person questioning, making them feel like they’re the one out of touch with reality.

Option: "I’m talking about [specific event]. That’s our focus to figure out what happened."

Purpose: Direct the conversation toward the specific issue at hand, keeping the focus on clarifying the situation.

 

"You're making things up again."

Discredits the person's concerns by accusing them of fabrication, suggesting they're not truthful or reliable.

Option: "I’m not making things up.  Let’s discuss it calmly."

Purpose: Stand firm in your truth without feeling pressured to accept blame for a situation you didn’t create.

 

"You know I would never do that, don’t be silly."

Dismisses concerns or accusations undermining the person’s trust in their own instincts or observations.

Option: "I understand you may not think so, but this is how I see it, and I’d like to talk about it."

Purpose: Gently assert your perspective without accepting your view is invalid or silly.

 

"Stop being paranoid."

Gaslights the person into doubting their suspicions or concerns, implying they are irrational or unfounded.

Option: "I’m not being paranoid; I’m addressing something that concerns me. We will talk about it."

Purpose: Reframe the conversation to focus on your valid concerns rather than dismissing your experience as paranoia.

 

"You always blow things out of proportion."

Diminishes the significance of an issue by claiming the person habitually exaggerates or overstates situations.

Option: "I’m not blowing things out of proportion; I’m addressing how I feel."

Purpose: Reject the minimization of your feelings and express the importance of discussing the issue at hand.

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"Why are you so defensive?"

Shifts the focus to the person’s emotional response instead of addressing the actual concern, making them feel like they are the problem.

Option: "I’m not being defensive; I’m explaining my perspective so we will have an open discussion."

Purpose: Shift the conversation toward mutual understanding and focus on resolving the issue rather than defending yourself.

 

"You're always making things harder than they need to be."

Blames the person for creating problems that are not present, leading them to doubt their own judgment.

Option: "I’m not trying to make things harder; I’m expressing something important to me."

Purpose: Reaffirm your intent to resolve the issue and keep the focus on your need to address it.

 

"I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s your fault for reacting like that."

Shifts blame and responsibility to the person for their emotional reaction, subtly implying that the person is at fault for the conflict.

Option: "I understand you may not see it that way.  My feelings are real and we will talk about them."

Purpose: Refuse to accept blame for the way you feel, while acknowledging their perspective and encouraging open dialogue.

 

How to Handle Gaslighting

 

Trust Your Perception:

Remind yourself your feelings and experiences are valid. If something feels wrong or off, acknowledge and trust your intuition.

 

Document Your Thoughts and Experiences:

Keeping a journal of conversations or events can help you keep track of what's happening. If someone tries to deny things that you remember, you can refer back to your notes for clarity.  Be aware of those that will lie about a situation.  Even discretely email events to someone(s) you trust so you are not the only one with actual details.

 

Set Boundaries:

Stand firm in your boundaries and let the gaslighter know when their behavior is unacceptable. Don’t allow them to control or manipulate your emotions.

 

Avoid Arguing:

Engaging in arguments with someone who is gaslighting you can be exhausting and unproductive. Instead, calmly state your perspective and remove yourself from the conversation if it becomes toxic.  Unproductive debating is an absolute waste of time.

 

Seek Support:

Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences. Outside perspectives can help you maintain clarity and reassurance about your reality.  Never become isolated.  Always, have another to share such matters.

 

Know When to Walk Away:

If someone is persistently gaslighting you and is not open to healthy communication, it may be necessary to distance yourself or even end the relationship. Protect your mental and emotional well-being.

In any situation involving gaslighting, it’s crucial to prioritize your mental health and ensure you’re surrounded by people who respect your emotions and perceptions.

 

These phrases are used to make the person question their own perceptions, memories, or emotional responses, which is the core tactic of gaslighting. They gradually erode self-confidence and self-trust, leaving the person feeling confused and dependent on the manipulator for "truth."  It's a way to destabilize the person's sense of reality and make them feel as though their thoughts, memories, and experiences are invalid which in turn, can make them more dependent on the gaslighter. 

 

As we learned about this topic, it made us think of the Mandela Effect – We’ll cover that article soon!

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Share your gaslighting stories.  Email us at TCPcontact1@gmail.com